Many of us struggle with a feeling of not being good enough. Perhaps we are aiming for perfection or simply a better version of ourselves. Self-improvement is a worthy pursuit, but when it is accompanied by a feeling or judgement of not being good enough, this pursuit may be a source of self-harm.
Kristin Neff studies and writes about self-compassion. She distinguishes self-compassion from self-pity, telling us that self-pity leaves one feeling isolated and alone in their suffering whereas self-compassion extends to others with an acknowledgement of shared suffering and unity.
In what ways does it serve us to strive for perfection? Does self-criticism really help us do our best? Is there another way to achieve happiness?
Kristin Neff, who pioneered the field of self-compassion in research, suggests three steps for cultivating self-compassion. She recommends we first acknowledge when we are suffering. Once we realize and acknowledge that we are suffering, we then set the intention to be kind to ourselves in our suffering. And finally, we wish for the alleviation of suffering for ourselves and others who are also suffering with similar struggles.
Brené Brown uses a similar distinction when comparing sympathy with pity. When a friend or family member is suffering, we can avoid those feelings by separating ourselves from them and their suffering. We might suggest they look on the bright side or feel bad for them while maintaining a feeling of distance to them and their suffering. Or we can turn towards them, softening our hearts and feeling into what they may be feeling. When we turn towards them and their suffering we also turn towards our personal experience of suffering as a form of shared humanity. Pity involves distancing ourselves from another and their suffering, whereas sympathy involves moving towards another and their suffering, seeing our own suffering in them and acknowledging suffering as something we all share.
Neff suggests, as we develop self-compassion, we are developing unconditional kindness towards ourselves.
Sometimes the desire to be strong or stoic overrides the need to connect honestly with our emotions. Brené Brown’s research describes the tremendous courage it takes to be vulnerable. When we acknowledge our vulnerability we tap into our boundless strength. From a place of unconditional acceptance and self-compassion we develop strength that is flexible, that will bend but won’t break. We develop courage that is motivated by passion and integrity. Accepting ourselves as forever fallible gives us the courage to try and fail. Knowing that it is okay to fall, we can finally let ourselves fly.